Professor CT Junkie’s Flunkies Weekly Prognostications 2.0: Poor Ole Edition

Scribe’s note: The Professor hasn’t been available for the first three weeks of the season, there are reasons. With all the arguing and the offseason coaching changes, all the criticism and name calling about his favorite team, it rather got the best of him. Drastic measures were needed.

In July, The Professor was admitted to the least expensive Toxic Fan Rehab in the world and it’s been a long, long 60 day program. He entered Roachland Gardens. It’s a facility, located in the industrial slums of Columbia, SC.

It’s original mission was to try and help the delusional and emotionally crippled toxic Gamecock faithful but based on their obvious lack of success, we are unsure of a successful rehab for the Professor. We’ll take it one week at a time. Without further delay, let’s go.

Kent State vs No. 1 Georgia

After watching last week’s total humiliation of ‘Shame Beaver’s’ pitiful South Carolina Rattlers, I’m convinced, the Dawgs are for real. Yes, really real and they may be the best team in the country. Dang, it even hurts my finger just typing that but the truth is some times painful.

Therefore, I’m betting the Kent State Golden Flashes have literally a zero chance of even getting a first down, let alone defeating Kirby Smart’s pack of hounds. One thing I’ve learned in my long life, why waste words on forgone conclusions. That said, my first obvious Flunkie of the 2022 season, Poor Ole Kent State.

Vanderbilt vs No. 2 Alabama

Like in the movie “Groundhog Day,” Vanderbilt once again faces that yearly trampling herd of red elephants and as always, it doesn’t look good for the Commodores. However, there is one reason for joy in Nashville. Thanks to UofSC, Vandy is no longer the SEC doormat. So, at least they’ve got that going for them.

Sad but no less true, that will be the only joy for Vanderbilt as they will receive their yearly whipping by Nick Saban’s Pachyderms, but mercifully, the pain won’t last long once you pass out. Same story, different year, the Professor’s obvious Flunkie, Poor Ole Vanderbilt.

Wisconsin vs No. 3 Ohio State

Wisconsin coach Paul Chryst understands what his Badgers are facing on Saturday. Their opponents, the biggest, most annoying bunch of cry babies in all of college football, the Ohio State Buckeyes, are no doubt talented. Unfortunately for the Badgers, absent a miracle, the Buckeyes will most probably roll.

Interesting thing about miracles in Columbus. Former coach Urban Meyer has been the recipient of such a miracle when he was “delivered” from a serious heart condition. Twice. I doubt however, this will be the case. The Professor is doubtful of a repeat miracle so, the obvious Flunkie here, Poor Ole Wisconsin.

No. 10 Arkansas vs No. 23 Texas A&M

The most mediocre college football team money can buy, Jimbo Fisher’s Texas A&M Aggies face a potential SEC West contender in Sam Pittman’s Arkansas Razorbacks. This Professor has a feeling it could be an interesting game seeing its being played in Aggieland. However, at my age, such a feeling might just be gas. Who knows?

It’s funny, every time I see Pittman pacing the sidelines, a whole plethora of my wonderful memories of Danny Ford flood in. That’s enough of a sign from the football gods for this Professor to make his decision, the Professor’s Flunkie, in a good game, Poor Ole Rich Kids, Texas A&M.

No. 20 Florida vs No. 11 Tennessee

One of the benefits of having lived a long life is this Professor has seen some great football. Heck, I remember in 1901, as a First Year Cadet, watching the Clemson vs Guliford game on Bowman Field. It was literally one for the books. The Tigers struggled but eventually won 122-0.

The Professor also loves intense rivalries. Unfortunately, since the Professor’s favorite team outgrew their hapless rivals several years after World War I so, he was forced to look elsewhere for such intensity. Thanks to former Florida coach Steve Spurrier and Former Tennessee coach Phil Fulmer, this week’s intense rivalry game fueled by the heat of their mutual disdain for the other is on tap.

Billy Napier will bring his Gator’s to play Josh Heupel’s Volunteers in the friendly confines of Neyland Stadium. It looks like just the kind of game that’s needed for the Professor but there are dental issues, as the Gators will have their teeth removed by the Volunteer Dentists on Saturday. The Professrs’s Funkie is the Poor Ole Dentally Challenged Gators.

Connecticut vs No. 12 NC State

Like my Momma used say, if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything. So following her advice, there are two Flunkies in this match-up. Poor Ole Connecticut based on the scoreboard and Poor Ole NC State for employing the biggest jerk in college football, Coach Davey Doeren.

Kansas State vs No. 6 Oklahoma

Being a deep thinking academic, I realized there’s only one person to blame for Brent Venables’ decision to abandon one of his children and leave paradise for the oil fields of Oklahoma. Who you might ask? Lincoln Riley. Forever more, he shall be referred to simply as “he whose name shall not be spoken,” aka Harry Potter’s nemesis, Voldemort.

Now that I’ve gotten that off my chest, my feelings about this game are one of ambivalence. Obviously, the Sooners are good, literally nipping at Dabo’s Tigers’ heels in the polls so they’re sure to be everyone’s pick. Maybe. Again, in deep thought, two things jump out for the Professor.

First, Venables will be facing his Alma Mater and there could be a small inkling of nostalgia but not nearly enough to effect the outcome. Second, Kansas State’s coach Chris Klieman is a proven winner. He was the highly successful former coach of the North Dakota State Bison where he was the undisputed King of Pop Warner football. On Saturday, Kansas State will be made to look like one of those Pop Warner teams against Voldemort’s abandoned Sooners. This is so obvious, it’s painful, The Flunkie in this one, Poor Ole Kansas State.

No. 5 Clemson vs No. 21 Wake Forest

Up to this point in the season, Dabo Swinney’s once feared and revered Tigers have experienced the downside of their tremendous success. The wild expectations from the Professor and many who believe every game, every week that Clemson plays, should be the model of perfection. That is like me expecting every student, in every class I’ve ever taught earns an A++. As a professor, I gotta say, I had some real dunces in my Manure Management classes over the years and honestly those expectations are preposterous.

The Professor believes the next two weeks will determine the future for the Tigers. First, the Professor’s favorite must travel to Winston Salem and face all the tens of the rabid Demon Deacon faithful all dressed in black.

This should be interesting, as a noon game, wearing all black in the heat of mid September, the crowd might not be much of a factor as they pass out from heat exhaustion. However, The Professor is sure Dave Clawson’s Deacons will be ready for this match-up. The outcome simply comes down to one thing, white and orange are much cooler than black and gold. The Professor’s Flunkie, Poor Ole Overheated Wake Forest.

This Week’s list of “Sure Fire Flunkies.”

*Maryland will flunk humorously to No. 4 Michigan

*Central Michigan will flunk dramatically to No. 8 Kentucky

*Rhode Island will flunk quietly to Pittsburgh

*Middle Tennessee will flunk interestingly to No. 25 University of Miami

*Wyoming will flunk religiously to No. 19 BYU

Class, it is great to be with you again this semester. As I always say, “may your favorite team never, ever be a Flunkie.” This Poor Ole Professor hopes to see y’all next week.

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