It’s funny, I possess absolutely zero athletic ability, prowess and even less knowledge. Oh, I read, watch and listen to those that do, but some days, from the comfort of my living room, I sit in judgment of everything.
From the comfort of my leather chair, I coach, I’m the star quarterback, the perfect linebacker, the most accurate kicker and excel at virtually every skilled position from a place that requires no skill, my armchair. If “success has a thousandth fathers and defeat is an orphan,” I am that man, I am The Daddy.
The beauty of a life spent watching, listening and reading about others that actually coach or play the game. I’m rarely, if ever wrong but that never stops me from inserting my opinions. On third and long, I scramble in my comfortable chair right along with the QB and then we throw the perfect spiral, that gives us and the receiver the perfect opportunity to make a spectacular play. When we do, I relax, I’ve done my job. If he misses it, I know immediately why he didn’t and what he should have done to have made the perfect catch. It’s easy, it’s delusional, but it’s clear, my team needs me.
My name will never be in the “Ring of Honor”, I’ll never be inducted into the “Hall of Fame,” and I’ll never, ever touch “Howard’s Rock” or run down the hill. Mine is a thankless job but none of that matters. I’m the unsung, never acknowledged backbone of this team.
Last year, I’d have led our team to win the the National Championship. I’d have coached my team to the top of the CFB mountain, planting that Tiger Paw Flag myself, on its peak. I’d have won the Heisman Trophy, The Butkus Trophy, the Bobby Dodd Coach of the Year award, yes, I’d have won them all…from my comfort of my armchair.
During the TV timeouts, I’ll be snacking on chips, chicken wings, BBQ ribs. Then, I’d wipe the sauce from my face and hands and be finished just in time to take control of the game once again.. I’m undefeated as a coach. I’ve never thrown an interception, I’ve never had a fumble, I’ve never missed a field goal…I’m perfect.
That’s the thing about my chair, it’s my transfer portal, where I transfer out of my mundane existence into the huddle, on the sideline and in the end zone to create that certain kind of magic that we’ve all come to expect.
In my mental office, the walls are filled with awards, trophies, photos of those I’ve coached and coached with. The signed helmets, the jerseys of my former greats. In reality, it’s but an empty space with a picture of Death Valley hanging. However, as an armchair coach, I have no need for the trappings of being a real coach. The game isn’t won in an office, right?
So, Saturday night, fear not, my team will win. I’ll call the perfect play, at the perfect time. As me and DJ Uiagalelei hit Justyn Ross for the go ahead, game winning TD, I’m totally in control. So, believe me, we’ve got this, all of us. Me, Dabo Swinney, Brent Venables, Tony Elliott and the entire team is under the constant, critical eye of me, their arm chair leader.
Yes, I have either done it or coached it, ask all 10 of my Twitter Account followers, they’ll tell you. They’ll surely speak of my greatness because anyone can see it. From the comfort of my chair, I’ve done it all without doing anything but sitting, watching and praying for my team.
It’s a powerfully hollow place from where I sit but somebody’s got to do it. Don’t worry, in Charlotte on Saturday night, our team, will be as perfect as I am. No need for thanks, I know and accept that it is a tough, thankless job being in the armchair but that’s my job…one I relish, one that I’m absolutely well suited. I can’t wait…for the love of Pete, come on you zebra striped clad officials, “Spot the dang ball…” oh wait, never mind, that’s my job too.
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