College Football: Professor CT Junkie’s Week 1 Flunkies

Welcome fellow football fans! I’m Professor CT Junkie and over the course of this semester, I’ll be prognosticating the losers, or “Flunkies,” in some key games of interest. Be warned, I’m old and a little rusty so don’t expect much in the way of betting insight.

My forte is teaching manure management at everybody’s favorite University in the School of Agriculture, in which I hold a PhD in Prognostics. So, you gotta know, I’m pretty good at predicting and shoveling BS. It’s my hope that you’ll find that my course will be moderately informative but always sprinkled with a smidgeon of humor. In this world, that’s about all we can ask for these days, a little humor.

So, get your pens and notebooks ready…let’s get started.

Michigan State vs. Northwestern…

In a Friday night contest between two teams looking for direction, both hope that direction is up. If so, this might actually be interesting. Even if it’s not, we’re just so dang glad for football, we could not care less, but we can hope. I guess even in the of face of the unknown, hope is a good thing. With Pat Fitzgerald’s Wildcat offense now led by a former Clemson Tiger QB, Hunter Johnson, the Professor will be watching with a little more interest.

Last year, the Wildcat offense was as slow as molasses and as bland as oatmeal, yet, some how they stumbled into a winning 2020 season. Had it not been for the slippery paws of the Wildcats leading to 4 turnovers, they’d most probably have won last year’s contest against the Spartans.

Now, this year, Coach Mel Tucker’s Spartans, not the Warriors of old, really have nowhere to go but up. They were as abysmal on offense as they were porous on defense but it is a different year, so who knows? One thing is for certain, with the question marks a first game can bring to both teams, the outcome of this barn burner may come down to the leg of a kicker. The Professor’s first ever Flunkie, in a close, slow paced walk…The once mighty Spartans.

Alabama vs. Miami…

When the Gumpsters of Nick Saban roll into their meeting with Manny Diaz’s Hurricanes, it’ll be slap-dab in the middle of Hurricane season. Hurricanes can be tricky and I’m not so sure that Ole Slick Nick, withstanding his greatness, completely understands the power of a Hurricane.

The amount of damage depends on what category Hurricane Manny is when it makes landfall. Remember, it’s all about the “tidal” surge. Can the ‘Canes hold back the tide or will it just prove too much? The National Weather Service has yet to predict if Hurricane Manny can intensify to a category 5 but if it does, who knows the outcome?

That said, I fear by the time this one is over, Manny will be downgraded to a mere tropical depression…Professor Junkie’s Flunkie…In a close one, maybe…Miami.

Clemson vs. Georgia…

Charlotte is a comfortable, second home for Dabo Swinney’s third ranked Clemson Tigers. If my memory serves me, they haven’t lost there since an awfully bad bowl loss to USF in 2010, Swinney’s first full season.

So, the Titans, I mean Tigers, will be primed and ready to play Kirby Smart’s mutts. Yes, those consistently inconsistent, perineal, preseason national champion, Dawgs.

Luckily for “Dabo’s Big Cats” they are not shy when it comes to dawg fights and all have been vaccinated against everything, including the mange. Never the fool, Dabo understands these Dawgs will bark and might even nip at at the heels of the Tigers but in the final analysis the Professor believes “these Dawgs just won’t hunt…” Professor Junkie’s Flunkie… In a close one…Jawja.

North Carolina vs. Virginia Tech…

The Smokin’ Hokies will, most probably, be without the services of their beleaguered leader, Justin Fuente, due to protocol issues. No, not the COVID protocol but rather a severe burn protocol. His seat, in Blacksburg, is so hot, he has third degree burns on his arse.

The elder statesman of the ACC, Mack Brown, will have his Heels ready for a fight but not much fight will be needed as the Hokies are seen as a mere shadow of their former selves. By the time this one is over, the Hokies will be smothered, scattered, chunked, sliced and diced like the hash browns at Waffle House.

After this spanking, no amount of aloe will soothe the burnt bottom of poor Justin “what’s his name.” In a runaway track meet, Old CT’s Flunkie… The Smokin’ Hokies

University of South Carolina(or is it California?) vs. Eastern Illinois…

In the highly anticipated game for the ages, (the Dark Ages) first year coach, Shane Beamer, will try to “right the ship.” That might prove an impossible task, to right a ship that’s all but sunk.

Factor in having to resort to activating a graduate assistant to play quarterback, along with the “Spurless Clucksters” penchant for pulling defeat from the jaws of victory, you can see the monumental task he faces.

As for their opponent, The Eastern Illinois Panthers, a team few have ever heard of and one I know absolutely nothing about, could be as bad as the clucksters but I doubt it. No matter the winner, it’s sure to be a hollow, moral victory, at best.

As I see it, this is such an easy call to make, even Todd Ellis could call it…Professor Junkie’s favorite Flunkie, in a close one… Eastern Illinois

North Carolina State vs. South Florida…

The Wolf Pack faithful, almost as delusional as the clucksters, actually believe Coach Dave Doeren when he says “wait til next year,” EVERY…SINGLE…YEAR! “Ole Laptop Louie” as he will be referred to in this and subsequent prognostications, will try to prove it.

Second year head coach, Jeff Scott, after a COVID interrupted, difficult first year, will try and prove worthy of his lineage. With his dad, Brad Scott by his side, his Bulls will put up a fight so fierce it would make a Matador blush but it won’t be enough. Professor Junkie’s Flunkie…South Florida.

West Virginia vs. Maryland…

This is a battle of “those that want in and those that wanted out…” The couch burning Hillbillies will light a ceremonial sectional and put on their best dancing shoes in hopes of being asked for a dance by the ACC.

Maryland, who didn’t want to dance anymore with the ACC, left and took their tap shoes with’ em. Since leaving the ACC ballroom, the Terps have proven to be an abysmal failure at the barn dances out in the sticks of B1G country.

By putting their best foot forward, wearing golden slippers and singing an off key rendition of “Country Roads,” those dancing Hillbillies hope to impress their desired suitor, who knows where this dance may lead? The Professor’s Flunkie, in a slow dance to the finish…Maryland.

The Citadel vs. Coastal Carolina…

In an in-state matchup between two programs that are nearly impossible for this Junkie to dislike or speak ill of, I know, a choice must be made.

Despite the heritage, the constant marching in cadence, the polishing of belt buckles and shoes, and the saluting of anything that moves, I hate to have to break the news to the Corp of Cadets but in this one, fellas, you ain’t got a chance.

The Teal Warriors are most probably the second best team in South Carolina ahead of third place Furman and fourth place, Pocotaligo High School.

In possessing an abundance of valor and dignity, there is no disgrace in losing to a superior foe. Professor Junkie’s Flunkie…The Citadel.

The Ohio State vs. Minnesota…

Ryan Day and the mighty Whiners of OSU, the pride of the B1G, will most likely pull out a victory over P.J. Fleck’s under manned Golden Gopher oarsmen, as they steadily “row the boat.”

That is of course, if OSU actually decides to play. That grueling six game 2020 schedule put the Nuts in a prime but questionable playoff spot. So, maybe they’ll call in sick against five or six of their better opponents, in the B1G, anything is possible when the Nuts call the shots.

I’m unapologetic of my sarcasm where the Whiners are concerned. Honestly, any hue of red (garnet, scarlet, burgundy or crimson) just hurts my eyes. As a professor of manure management, I know BS when I smell it.

Even a blind man, using B1G math, can see eleven is still greater than six. It’s quite clear the Nuts are the better team, on paper. With that said and with much regret, Old CT Junkie’s Flunkie…Minnesota…(row boys, row!)

Notre Dame vs. Florida State…

After the financial windfall from last season in the ACC, Brian Kelly’s Golden Domers now have brand new, brilliantly shiny, 24-karat gold helmets. It’s just another benefit of being independent, I guess?

The Fighting Irish will face the once mighty Seminoles. Mike Norvell, aka “grumpy,” one of the 7 (or so) dwarfs of the conference, finally has the blue prints ready for his new program. However, with their coffers near empty and the cost of lumber being what it is these days, not a single nail has been hammered.

Speaking of hammered, that’s most likely to be the ‘Nole’s fate. Oh yeah Irish, don’t worry about those gold helmets, play or not, they won’t suffer as much as a single scratch because Dwarf’s almost always hit below the knees. The Obvious Flunkie, in a cataclysmic rout… Grumpy and his Noles

Well, that’s about all I’ve got to say on this weeks selections. I can also see the crack in my crystal ball is smoking, it’s overheating.

So, it’s time to let it cool down. Enjoy the games this weekend and may your favorite team never be a Flunkie. Until next week…stay safe and I look forward to seeing you then.

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