Hey there fellow Junkies, allow me to introduce myself, I’m Professor CT Junkie. In my class, if you pay attention, I’m going to try to inform and entertain you each week this fall by offering up some prognostications of selected match-ups of interest.
Since I have a somewhat negative skew on things, I’ll be picking the loser, or the “Flunkie,” of each match-up. I thought I’d give you a syllabus of some of the more likely characters and teams I’ll include in my prognostications. As for my method for choosing my weekly Flunkies, I’ll rely on a cracked crystal ball I got from a yard sale. That’s about as scientific as I can get. Anyway, Science, like Algebra, is so overrated and unnecessary in today’s world.
“The Spurless Clucksters.” It goes without saying, Clemson has the worst rival in the world, on the field of play. However, off the field of play, the clucksters are a writers best friend. This fanbase is so absolutely delusional and obnoxious, it’s easy to find humor. For instance, the huge bronze, giant chicken sculpture on full display, front and center outside Williams-Brice Stadium, without spurs, serves as a monument to their ineptitude.
Then, you fail to offer condolences to your largest benefactor ($150M) after the death of her mother and she vows never to give your University another dollar. Then, the University’s President, while speaking to the graduates of his University, offers congratulations to the graduates of the University of California.
Then, one of their coaches ordered over $1500 dollars worth of Papa John’s pizza for the team after an accidental victory and tipped the poor delivery person $15. You just can’t make this stuff up. So I’m looking forward to an eventful season in Beamer Boy’s inaugural campaign. It should be quite entertaining.
It’s easy to roast certain coaches/teams, they’re just so rich with fodder. For instance, old Dave Doeren, will be called “Laptop Louie” for the purposes of lampooning him and that delusional Fanbase. Collectively they’ll be referred to simply as “The Wannabes.” They “wannabe” so good but they’re never quite able to get there.
“Slick Nick” and the Gumpsters embody good old Bama. I’m nothing if not a realist and I know, it’s going to be hard to make them the brunt of much satire but I’m always willing to give it a try.
Since West ”by God” Virginia is courting the ACC for a post Big 12 elopement/realignment landing place, I’ll be lampooning the couch burning Hillbillies as often as I can…and I’m sure that’ll be often.
It’s almost blasphemy to utter anything derogatory about the Vatican’s all-star team, Notre Dame. However, I’ve never been one shy away from a little good natured blasphemy particularly when it’s about the Golden Domers. Brian Kelly is so easy to dislike, man oh man, I can’t wait for the season to actually start.
The Miami Hurricanes and their fans suffer from short term, selective amnesia. They can’t seem to remember recent times where they’ve, we’ll…sucked. No, like Jawja, they’re still living in the past when they were once King Neptune of CFB. There’s so much expected from this bunch but I’ll have to take a wait and see attitude. One things for certain, this Junkie can’t wait to see the 2021 version of the Turnover Chain, Belt or backpack.
Georgia will always be referred to as Jawja. Their coach as “Clueless Kirby.” That moniker is given not because he can’t coach, clearly he can, well except for the big games, but rather he’s clueless as to the off field behavior of those in his charge. It’ll be hard for them to be the Flunkie most weeks but rest assured , they’ll be the Flunkie for week one. Every season, I enjoy guessing which week they will choke. Just as certain as the rising of the sun each morning, Jawja and Chokelahoma will always choke, at least once.
Any time I can laugh, poke fun, even in an slight way, I will. For the sake of interest, any team, any coach is fair game. However, I, the Professor, will never stoop to lampooning players. Each one of these potential NIL millionaires are the reason we play the game. As of now, they are still amateurs therefore off limits.
As an Orange colored glasses wearer, I’m unapologetic in my bias where our Tigers are concerned. I will often refer to them as “our boys,”as “Titans,” “Dabo’s Boys”and the “Big Cats.” In my eyes, in my class, our Titans, I mean Tigers, will never be a Flunkie.
I’ll refer to SEC’s wheeler dealer, Greg Sanky, as the Wizard of Oz, in that he is the all powerful, all knowing, all manipulative, King Maker. Anytime I can poke fun at or jab at the worlds first, greatest, Super Conference I will. I take it as my job to speak for the little ones…the rest of us, “the least of these.” That said, any SEC team from time to time will be on this Junkie’s skewer and I’ll roast them to a crispy crunch. Those fatted calves do make the best meals.
A few more Professor Junkie’s slang terms…
Virginia Tech is always known as the Smokin’ Hokies and their poor coach as Justin “what’s his name”. To be honest I can’t spell his last name and don’t care too look it up.
Georgia Tech, if they’re ever mentioned, they will be known as the “Luna Moths” because like Tech’s Yellow Jackets, they have no stinger. I might from time to time refer to them as “The staggering wreck” it seems more than appropriate.
Louisville won’t escape this season without bearing the brunt of my jokes. My only regret is Bobby Petrino is no longer their coach so, I’ll simply refer to them lovingly as “Bobby’s Orphans.” Who knows, maybe they’ll actually escape being a Flunkie.
I’ll simply refer to FSU’s Mike Norvell as “Grumpy,” the meanest of all the dwarfs. Mack Brown as “Gentlemen Mack,” David Cutcliffe as “Dean David,” Pat Narduzzi as “Dumbldorff” and Dave Clawson as “Florist-in-Chief.” Finally, I will often refer to the ACC as a whole as “Dabo and 7(or so) dwarfs.” If ever a name fits, this is it.
I could go on and on but this will get us started. It’s going to be fun figuring out who is and who is not one of this Junkie’s Flunkie. Again, welcome to my class and I look forward to the season. I’ll see you again at our scheduled class time, bright and early next Thursday morning.
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